Hi Anthea,
I’m wondering if there is something I’m doing wrong because I went on dozens of first dates last year and not a second one. Ideas? – Nicole, 29, West Los Angeles.
Hi Nicole!
Great question! Don’t worry too much – almost everyone has had an experience like this at one time or another. Are you just in a funk? Is it possible that you could be a wee bit unhappy and unsatisfied in other areas of your life?
The reason I ask is because men love happy women. If a woman is generally unhappy it’s repelling to men. So one thing you can do is to make sure you are taking really good care of yourself. Do you love your job, your apartment, and your friends? If not it’s time for a major overhaul in the life department.
How is your physical health? Do you commit time for exercising? Exercise releases feel good hormones and will enhance your overall sense of wellbeing. It’s key that you love yourself, and that means loving your body, yes the whole thing! The feminine is all about adorning and accentuating our natural beauty and feeling proud of all our attributes.
It’s not like you have to be ‘perfect’ before dating, that’s not what I’m saying. But it is super attractive to be in place where your life is generally working, and life’s basic setbacks aren’t huge dramatic breakdowns. Stable is sexy. So look to be well balanced in all areas of life – health, career, home, and friends. This just makes you an ever better catch!
So that’s some stuff to think on about your life in general, now how about these guys you are dating? What do you think of them, or of men in general? Try journaling by starting with the sentence “Men are….” to find out your true beliefs. If there are some wonky ideas about men in there then that could definitely be blocking you from connecting on dates. Try to find evidence to the contrary. For instance if you think men are afraid of commitment, look for happy couples to prove yourself wrong.
Now there’s the actual date. Are you nervous? Excited? Too shy? Trying to stay engaged without being over the top. Are you bragging a lot, or hogging all the air time? Practice being a good listener, and try to share honestly and simply about your self so he can start to get to know you. Vulnerability is sexy. Remember it’s a long road to get to know someone so you don’t have to feel rushed to share everything in one night.
Finally it is also possible that perhaps you are dating too much! It can happen. You start to feel like every date is “Groundhog Day.” If you are feeling overwhelmed and annoyed with dating then it’s time to take a break and focus on yourself for a few weeks or months. And remember because of your awesome life you’ve cultivated you will be okay and happy whether or not the date works out. Having this non-attachment, non-grasping attitude is the last key to forming a connection.
Dear Anthea,
This has happened a few times before and I’m never sure what the right way to handle it is. A few months ago I went on a great first date with a guy, he asked me out for another date and then never followed through. I never heard from him again, like he forgot all about our plans. All of a sudden a few months later I get a random text asking me out. How should I handle this? – Terri, 31, Santa Monica.
Hello Terri,
I’m so sorry this guy is giving you the run around. The bottom line here is he is not valuing you, or respecting you by disappearing and not offering an apology or explanation. If you had a date planned then he should cancel the date respectfully, not just disappear. Just know that this is so not okay.
He may have started dating someone right around the same time he met you, and became exclusive with her. He may have gotten busy with family, or work, or gone on a trip. You’ll never know because he didn’t offer any explanation, which would be the considerate thing to do. He just expected you to be so super excited that he put that effort to send a two-line text after not speaking for months. What’s wrong with that picture!
Some people would say – hey give the guy another chance, it’s only dinner. But would you honestly want to waste your time with a guy who can’t even make a phone call to you apologizing for being a no show? If he had called and explained, offered an apology I would say absolutely give him another chance, because life does happen and it sounds like he is trying to make amends. But a low effort text, no way!
If you accept this treatment then he will continue not to value you, it sets up a huge imbalance in the relationship before it’s even gotten started. You will always be the girl he forgot about. Subconsciously he will think of you as always available with very low standards for treatment. You teach people how to treat you. And in the words of Steve Harvey: “Men respect standards. Get some.”
As to the reasons why he might have acted this way, there are many possibilities. But honestly does it really matter? Some guys will literally keep disappearing and reappearing for months or years with no improvement in their behavior. Just forget about him and stay available to the awesome and considerate guys out there. You deserve someone who is clear about wanting to spend time with you and lets you know he cares through both his words and actions. The good guys are out there, this is exactly the way to tell the difference.
Anthea Kerou is a Certified Holistic Health Coach based in Santa Monica specializing in dating coaching. She is available for private coaching sessions, email antheakerou@gmail.com. Alternatively, visit heartfacewellness.com or facebook.com/heartfacewellness for more information.
